"All of the supposed research about how children in single families fare so poorly used to seriously annoy me," says, Betty, single adoptive mother of a ten year old girl and thirteen year old boy adopted domestically. "I know I am doing a fabulous job and my kids are great." Betty's sentiments echo that of most single adoptive parents.

Some single adoptive parents originally thought they'd parent someday with a partner, and subsequently made the sometimes difficult decision to go it alone, rather than continue to wait for Mr. or Ms. Right. They have had to embrace the many obvious challenges with single parenthood, but also have come to appreciate the many less obvious beneficial aspects of single parenting. "I am a person with strong opinions and convictions," says Doug, single father of Ben, 7, adopted from foster care. I see how my couple friends have to constantly negotiate their different parenting styles, and I appreciate the fact that I have the freedom to make my own decisions. There is no confusion for Ben over this. There's no, well, maybe I can manipulate Mom/Dad to get what I want." Doug also feels that for Ben, having faced many changes and traumas in his early past, being able to give Ben a great deal of attention is just what he needs. While Doug dates women, he feels there will be time in the future for relationships, and is happy now to have the time to concentrate on Ben's needs.

The downside - "You're always on, 24/7", says Betty. I was so sleep deprived when the kids were little, I needed coffee intravenously!" Single parents need to develop a good support network of people - relatives, friends, neighbors, child care providers, babysitters -- that can help to give them much needed respite, but also to talk to about the ups and downs of parenting. In addition to needing a break, all parents need to share their "stories" - and even more important, their worries -- with other parents (especially other single parents, and adoptive parents - single or not) who understand and who can validate what they are going through and give helpful advice.

While it is wonderful to be able to enjoy close relationships with their children, many single parents must also watch out for the easy mistake of not maintaining appropriate psychological/emotional boundaries with their children. It's OK to tell your child you had a bad day at work, but it's another thing to give the kind of details that may risk burdening your child with your adult problems. Without a partner to process personal worries or concerns, especially financial, a single parent can include their child in decision making matters where they don't belong. Elevating children in this way is not only inappropriate and emotionally burdensome, but can also be very confusing when the parent needs to exert appropriate parental authority in matters of setting limits, adhering to rules and discipline. "A child can't be your friend and confidante and then be expected to understand that a family cannot always function as a democracy," says Madeleine Krebs, Clinical Coordinator at CASE.

With regard to challenges for the children, many single adopters say that their children do appear to often struggle more with not having a Mom or Dad than about being adopted. Their adoption story is often confusing to them because they have a birthmother or birth father - but no mom or dad. It is very important for parents to allow their children to express their wish for a Mom/Dad, including their fantasies of what that would be like, without feeling defensive. A parent can validate their family structure and say, "I understand that you wish you had a mom/dad. There are many different kinds of families - some have a mom and a dad, some have two moms/two dads, some have one child, etc., etc. Our family has a Mom/Dad and_________.and we are a great family. Of course, it is important for children to have meaningful relationships/positive role models with both males and females, and in the absence of a mother or father, most single parents work to establish those relationships for their children either with relatives (aunts, uncles) or close family friends.

As with all adoptive families, it is wonderful if children can grow up knowing other families like theirs. There are several single parent support groups and single adoptive parent groups which hold social activities for families. Many other adoptive parent organizations certainly welcome single families -- whether domestic or international, they are also an important resource for single parent adoptive families.

RESOURCES
National Adoption Information Clearinghouse www.naic.acf.hhs.gov
Single Mothers By Choice www.mattes.home.pipeline.com
www.encyclopedia.adoption.com

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