Parents usually notice when their child seems to have changed or is different in some way, especially when that change is not a welcome one. The way for children to signal that something is not quite right may very well be through their behavior; sometimes a signal is so subtle, that even a very attentive parent may miss it. Sometimes the signal may indicate a problem that is minor, moderate or quite severe. While all parents strive to recognize when their child is experiencing a difficulty, adoptive parents must also be good detectives at figuring out if the signal/difficulty indicates that their child is struggling with an issue that is related to adoption.

Behavioral signals – from mild to severe include the following:

a) changes in affect – sadness/depression – which includes changes in eating, sleeping patterns, normal activities, self-care, etc.
b) anxiety – which includes fearfulness, separation anxiety, phobias, obsessive/compulsive behaviors
c) changes in social relationships – difficulties with peers/making and keeping friends, withdrawal
d) changes in school functioning – falling grades, not completing assignments, daydreaming, behavioral problems – acting out, talking, not following directives, etc.
e) discipline problems at home – anger management problems, conflict with siblings, disobeying rules, provocative behavior, etc.
f) other changes including changes in interests, appearance, etc.

This is not a complete list but includes the most common changes/behaviors that parents will certainly need to pay attention to.

These “red flags” may, of course, not be related to the emotional challenges of adoption. For example, the school difficulties may be related to an as yet undiagnosed learning disability. If the behavior is mild, it may in fact be a developmentally appropriate or “normal” behavior, which is why it is critically important that parents are familiar with normal child development. A seven year old who seems more withdrawn than she was at six, may not be brooding about adoption, but be a little more moody just because that is somewhat typical of seven year olds. On the other hand, because it is too important that parents accurately “diagnose” the difficulty, most adoptive parents would like to know what adoption-related issues may be indicated by the behavioral signal their child is sending.

Six Spots Where Kids Get Stuck
C.A.S.E. has defined the six most common adoption-related struggles for children and teens. The following statements/questions reflect the troubling feelings they may be experiencing.

DIFFERENCE

• “I am not like most kids…my family is different."
• “I don’t look like my family (skin color, hair, eyes, etc… I don’t fit in –do I belong here?”
• “I don’t share my family’s cultural or racial heritage.”

REASON FOR ADOPTION

• “Why was I given away? Was something wrong with me…was I a bad baby?”
• “My birth mother used drugs/alcohol, neglected/abused me, etc. What does this mean about me?”
• “Whatever the reason, couldn’t my birthmother (parents) solve their problems so that they could have kept me?”

MISSING INFORMATION

• “I don’t even have a picture, I don’t know what she (he, they) looks like?”
• “I’m told I was left outside the orphanage so I know nothing at all about where I’ve come from. I don’t even know my real birthday.”
• “My birth mother wasn’t sure who my birth father was.”

IDENTITY

• “Who am I? Am I like my adoptive parents or my birth parents?”
• “I know little or nothing about my birth parents, so how can I figure out who I am?”
• “I’m not white like my family, but kids and adults of my race won’t accept me?”

LOYALTY

• “I have so many questions about my birth parents, but if I ask my adoptive parents, they will be upset and hurt.”
• “I know things were bad at home, but I love my mom and grandmother. Maybe will live again with them someday, so how can I love my adoptive parents?”
• “I feel bad for my siblings who are still in foster care and not adopted.”

PERMANENCE

• “If my birth parents gave me away, it could happen again. My adoptive parents could do the same.”
• “I’ve lived in so many foster homes, I’m sure I’ll be moved again.”
• “I’ll be 18 soon. Will my parents still be there for me after I leave home?”

What Parents Can Do
The following suggestions may assist parents to address the challenges outlined above. We encourage you to think of your own ideas of ways to help your children to move successfully through these

Difference – Parent tip: Explore your own feelings about being different as adoptive parents.

• Communicate with child/teen about these feelings – validate them!
• Encourage child/teen to find friends in adoption-related peer groups
• Connect with other families like yours and other non-traditional families
• Help child/teen find role models
• At school: Positive environment needs to acknowledge and honor differences; provide opportunities for learning about differences.
• Teach the W.I.S.E. Up! Program to learn coping skills for questions/comments made by others about adoption
• Share times that you felt different and how you coped; explore your own feelings about being different as adoptive parents.
• Read adoption-related books together.

Reason for Adoption – Parent tip: Explore your own feelings about your child’s birth parents and the adoption story.

• Share adoption story in age-appropriate, honest manner over time.
• Validate feelings; encourage questions or thoughts about information shared.
• With sensitive or difficult history, help child to develop empathy for birth parents’ life circumstance as well as understanding of their ability to make different life choices. Find positive characteristics/information about birth parent
• Emphasize that children are not responsible for adult decisions/behavior/problems.
• Assist your child with decisions about sharing the adoption story with others.
• At school: Boundaries must be defined (“Adoption stories are private, it is her story to share, but I can tell you about adoption.”) Encourage examples of other information that is private to help children understand the concept of privacy vs. secrecy.

Missing Information – Parent tip: Don’t give false information or embellish on known information. Especially with adolescents, try to understand the depth of frustration, anger and sadness they may feel. Acknowledge your own feelings of helplessness.

• Share what information is available; be certain that you have all available information.
• Empathize with feelings around what is missing.
• In the absence of birth parent information, teach child about birth country (birth country/motherland as mother.)
• Help child understand reasons underlying the missing information (ex. circumstances surrounding adoption in China.)
• Encourage child/teen’s involvement with other adopted children especially who share this concern.
• At school: Be proactive to address assignments that will highlight the unknowns.

Identity – Parent tip: Acknowledge that issues around identity may arise in your family, explore your own feelings and get support from other adoptive parents.

• Empathize with your child’s feelings and encourage expression of them.
• Claim your child – identify the similarities between yourself and your child (“You are just like you Dad – you have his silly sense of humor.” “I struggled with math too, I understand how you feel.”)
• Celebrate your child’s unique talents and skills – connect them with the birth family (“Thank goodness this family has someone so creative and artistic. That gift may come from your birth mother.”)
• Learn with your child about his race and culture as well as appreciation of other races and cultures.
• Connect with other adoptive families like yours, make a homeland visit.
• Find role models.
• Teach child W.I.S.E. Up! Program to questions and cope with potential racist remarks.
• At school: encourage educators to help child identify strengths and talents.

Loyalty – Parent tip: Explore your own feelings about your child’s interest in his birth parents.

• Honor the birth parents by speaking about them with respectfully and with empathy.
• Provide reassurance early on and ongoing that her thoughts and feelings for her birth parents is normal, does not hurt you, and does not detract in any way from the love and relationship between you and your child.
• Try to engage your child in a conversation about this issue. Explore what your child can do when she feels conflicted – talk to you, or someone else if that is uncomfortable for her (especially true for adolescents). Suggest using a journal to express feelings.
• Help child/ teen connect with other adoptees to share feelings with.
• At school: Help teachers to understand how discussions about adoption, the child’s country/culture may reflect on the birth family. Encourage educators to respect the biological connection in schoolwork that focuses on genetics and family history.

Permanence – Parent tip: Read books written by adult adoptees.

• Always assure long-term relationship and permanent home. Tell children that nothing they could do would ever cause them to leave the family. From time to time, discuss what the family will be doing/ sharing many years into the future.
• Show child adoption papers and explain that a judge said this adoption is forever.
• Be aware of books, movies and media stories which promote myths and untruths about adoptive families and permanence (Stuart Little) and be prepared to address them.
• Read adoption books together.
• With adolescents, address feelings about leaving home and fears of the future– normalize feelings; share personal experiences with leaving home. Give teens option of staying close to home for college, etc.
• Connect with other families whose teens are leaving home or who have already left home.
• Seek professional guidance for teens having difficulty with this life transition.
• At school: insist that educators acknowledge the family as a team; help them understand adopted teen’s feelings about leaving home to support the concept of permanence of the family.

Professional guidance is always an important option whenever a child or adolescent is experiencing difficulty. For assistance in finding the right therapist for your child, please visit our website for more information. (www.adoptionsupport.org.)

RESOURCES
Real Parents, Real Children by Holly van Gulden
The Family of Adoption by Joyce Pavao
Adoption Nation by Adam Pertman
The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky
Raising Adopted Children by Lois Melina
Making Sense of Adoption by Lois Melina
Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child by Betsey Keefer and Jayne Schooler
Children’s Adjustment to Adoption by David Brodzinsky, Daniel Smith and Anne Brodzinsky
S.A.F.E. at School: A Manual for Teachers and Counselors by Marilyn Schoettle
W.I.S.E. Up! Powerbook by Marilyn Schoettle

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