"She's not really Jewish, is she?" laughed a fellow synagogue congregant to an adoptive mother and her nine year old daughter. The woman making the remark was referring to the fact that the girl had blond hair and blue eyes - not the typical appearance of American Jews. She did not know that she was talking to an adoptive family and certainly did not know that the girl was not born a Jew.

The remark was not intended to hurt anyone - it was completely innocent, meant to be friendly. However, Carol Hartman, the mother says, "I wanted the ground to open up and swallow either the woman or me and my daughter. One of my biggest worries is that my daughter won't feel that her conversion to Judaism (as an infant) means she is as authentic a Jew as anyone born to a Jewish mother is. In that instant I couldn't explain this woman's remark to my daughter, I wouldn't explain my daughter's appearance to this woman, I was just dumbfounded."

The reality is that of course, Jewish adoptive parents face all the same joys and challenges as other adoptive parents. However, as Shelley Rosenberg writes in Adoption and the Jewish Family, "For a Jewish adoptee and adoptive family, an additional lens filters each event, encounter, and question through thousands of years of history and generations of traditions, as well as through the experience of contemporary Jewish life."

Ms. Rosenberg's statement reflects the complexities found in the observance of Judaism. There are conflicting messages that exist in Jewish law, known as halakhah, and tradition with respect to adoption - and there are conflicts between the different factions of Jewish observance - Orthodox, Conservative, Reform and Reconstructionist. While Judaism certainly embraces adoption as a valid way to build a family, it also places great emphasis on bloodlines and ancestry. In fact, according to Jewish law, adopted children must be officially converted to Judaism if the mother is not Jewish. Only Reform and Reconstructionist will waive this if the birth father is Jewish and Orthodox will only recognize conversions performed by Orthodox rabbis. (It is very complex, indeed, and as this article is not intended to be a resource on halakhah, or Jewish law, prospective and adoptive parents are advised to consult rabbis and other sources to learn more.)

These complexities add to the unique challenges faced in adoption. Some examples: Orthodox prospective adoptive parents once told a therapist that they were troubled by the fact that one parent would not be able to have physical contact with the child of the opposite sex past the age of 12. Another parent told their home study social worker how troubled they were when a rabbi told them that they did not need to have a brit milah (circumcision) for their adopted son on day eight after his birth because he hadn't yet been converted. They arranged this despite his "advice," not wanting to miss out on the experience of this important Jewish life cycle event. Another family agonized over the fact that in order to convert their three-year-old son adopted from Kazakhstan, he would have to undergo a surgical procedure for circumcision.

Jewish parents must carefully consider how they will communicate respect for the religion of their child's birth family. How will they address their child's questions about his birth religion and about how the birth parents may feel about their child being raised in a Jewish home? If they have no relationships with people of their child's religion, what does that communicate to the child? In open adoptions with non-Jewish birth parents, what will parents do if the birth parents want to send Christmas gifts? Or invite the adoptive family to celebrate Christmas? As with all relationships, good communication is key.

Formation of a cohesive identity can be a difficult challenge for all adoptees. For adoptees not born Jewish or who are of a different race or culture, feeling connected with the Jewish community - the "clan" can be especially daunting when outside messages question that identity. One family reports their distress when their Chinese daughter was told in Hebrew School that Chinese people are not Jewish. Sheryl, single adoptive mother of a 21-year-old African-American daughter, Becky, in reunion with her birth mother says she had no problem when her daughter went to spend Christmas with her birth mother. "I did the best I could to help Becky develop a strong Jewish identity. I respected the challenges this presented for her as an African-American woman. I had to let her make her own choices." When Becky returned from her visit, she joked, "Hey Mom, be glad Diane's not Jewish. At least you know you've got me for Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year)!" To which Sheryl joked, "Oh great. Should I be worried about Thanksgiving?" "Nah, your turkey is much better, Becky said." To which Sheryl replied, "That's because it's Kosher!"

RESOURCES
Stars of David - Jewish Adoptive Parent Support Group www.starsofdavid.org
Adoption and the Jewish Family by Shelley Kapnek Rosenberg
Beneath the Mask: Understanding Adopted Teens by Debbie Riley with Dr. John Meeks
The Blessing of a Skinned Knee by Wendy Mogel

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