Kathy Reiter, in Fletcher, North Carolina, is a mom to three kids who were adopted. One was adopted as a newborn, one as a three-year-old, and one as an 11-year-old. The oldest had been in 14 foster care placements before finding his forever family. And one of the girls was from a disrupted adoption. All three children have various emotional, behavioral, developmental, and mental health issues including bipolar, autism, learning disabilities, depression, PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), RAD (reactive attachment disorder), and ADHD. All are living at home. One is in a public school, another in a private all girls' school, and the oldest is in a specially-arranged, non-graded school, with only one or two other students. Kathy says, "I'm lucky. Almost every one of my friends with challenging kids now has them in out-of-home placements. Mine are home."

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What's been the hardest part of adopting?
I guess the lack of resources that address mental health and attachment issues, are some of the biggest difficulties. Another one is getting a diagnosis. Well, what I really mean is a correct diagnosis. One of my three wasn't diagnosed with RAD until he was 13. He's made amazing progress once we started specialized therapy for that, but I wonder how much further along he'd be if we'd started earlier . . . ? Oh, and another thing that's been hard . . . It's grieving the loss of what you thought the relationship would be AND celebrating who they are. I've got a doctorate; I just assumed my children would go to college, too. But for the oldest, he'll never do that. I'd also like to add some thoughts about residential treatment. For one of my kids, an out of home placement was needed, but I resisted. I resisted for a long time. It was a very, very hard decision for me to make. In the end, the six months he spent in residential treatment made the difference between him being able to live at home, and needing to live permanently out of the home.

What's been the best part of adopting?
This may not be what most people say, but for me a big part of it has been the sense of accomplishment I've gotten for doing something that most people can't do. I know I'm making a difference . . . a contribution to society . . . and that feels good. And, who knows, maybe I'll get extra heaven-points for this! Also, it's been fun! That might sound somewhat odd coming from a single mom of three very challenging kids, but is has been. The things I've learned . . . the people I've met. . . . it makes life more interesting when you're parenting challenging, adopted kids. Let me also add that I've enjoyed seeing the different interests and personalities of my three. They're all so different. Just watching that develop has been fun.

What advice do you have for prospective adoptive parents?
First off, know yourself. Know what you think you can handle. No one can fully prepare you for the challenges, but you have to be strong enough to face the challenges that will come along. We just have to hope that each match is a good fit. Parents should also know about is parent blame. As a parent, when you have challenging children, not necessarily adopted kids, you get a lot of blame. Teachers, neighbors, and professionals are very quick to assume that your child's misbehaviors are due to bad parenting. Sure, we can all improve our parenting, and even change it totally to meet the needs of our kids, but the trauma that most of these kids have faced . . . We're the good guys! We're the ones taking our kids to therapy and searching for answers. It's the birth parents and/or sad life circumstances that have made our kids the way they are. And you can't forget about commitment. Parents have to be willing to make a commitment to their child, no matter what. You can't know ahead of time how it's going to turn out, but you have to make that commitment on the front end.

Would you describe your adoption as a success?
Yes. It's been both the bane and the blessing of my last 13 years . . . the hardest times in my life, but the best. I did have to redefine what success is to me. If someone had asked me before I adopted, what a successful adoption was, I would have answered very differently. But now, even though it's been very different from what I originally expected, I can definitely say that my adoptions have been a success.

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