People adopt children for a variety of reasons. Some couples who have already parented children they gave birth to, adopt because of a wish to expand their families and/or provide a home for a child in need. Single people wishing to parent often adopt. Some couples adopt because they feel that they are too old to pursue pregnancy and birth. And of course, both singles and couples adopt as a result of primary infertility and secondary infertility*(failure to conceive after having biological child(ren). For these people, adoption is usually a second choice and maybe even a third choice for those couples who attempted and failed to conceive through "third party reproduction" (donor egg or sperm, surrogacy, etc.) While the decision to adopt after infertility comes easily to some couples, most people do not experience this decision as easy. Instead, the decision making process in adoption is usually quite difficult, emotionally challenging and involves quite a bit of "soul searching."

Loss and Grief
When a person is not able to conceive, he or she is forced to confront just what it means to them to be a parent. Such contemplation involves a very personal, individual process. This is why it is so vitally important to recognize that the well-meaning advice of others can be so troublesome. While adoption is a wonderful, valid way to build a family, it is not a "solution" to infertility and is not the right option for everyone. This is because infertility encompasses many kinds of losses which adoption cannot "fix" including:

• Loss of the fantasy biological child or additional biological children
• Loss of genetic heritage
• Loss of self-esteem related to ability to reproduce
• Loss of the pregnancy and birth experience
• Loss of control/privacy

The only loss that adoption can fix is the loss of the parenting experience. To make the decision to adopt, people must acknowledge, explore the significance of and grieve for all the losses which adoption cannot "cure."

When someone is grieving, they move back and forth between the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. As a result, it is not uncommon to vacillate in one's desire to pursue fertility treatment versus considering an alternative option such as adoption. In addition, since grief resolution is an individual process, one member of a couple may be ready to consider adoption while their spouse is not. It is important to recognize how grief can impact one's feelings about adoption. A lack of enthusiasm about adoption may not mean that a person will never want to consider adoption as much as it may reflect the fact that the person needs more time to work through the losses associated with infertility. On the other hand, couples who move quickly into adoption as a second choice need to make certain they are not doing this to avoid the painful feelings of grief.

Is Adoption Right for You?
There are many important questions that all prospective adoptive parents can ask themselves to help determine both IF adoption is the right option for them to build their family and WHICH OPTION they may wish to pursue (domestic, international, same race vs. transracial, open, etc.) :

• Why do I want children, birth or adopted?
• Can I accept and love a child that I did not give birth to?
• Is adoption second best to a birth child?
• Do I consider adoption to be a valid and positive way to have a child become part of my family?
• Can I love a child who may look nothing like me and possibly be very different from me in personality, talents and other characteristics?
• Can I cope with possible "negative" information about my child's birth history, or cope with a complete lack of information?
• Can I cope with the possible nonacceptance of my child by relatives, friends, others?
• What type of child can I love? Can I love a child of a different race and am I prepared to incorporate my child's different race or culture into the family?
• Can I "honor" my child's birth parents, even if I know nothing about them?
• Can I respect the significance of the birth parents to my child, get past the typical feelings of jealousy or worry and provide an open atmosphere in which adoption is freely discussed, questions welcomed and feelings validated?
• If search is possible, can I be supportive?
• How do I feel about contact with birth relatives?
• Am I committed to my education about adoption so that I will understand and do my best to meet my child's needs related to adoption?
• Am I willing to take on the role of adoption educator to the world to dispel myths and advocate for adoption?

Again, it is important to note that a person's attitudes and feelings about adoption can change over time, with experience, confidence and continued education.

When people do decide to pursue adoption and as they learn about the different options, sorting out the plan that is right for them can be complex. In addition to all of the above questions, prospective adoptive parents must evaluate the options as they fit with each person/couple's unique priorities, resources and beliefs. For example, some couples may choose to adopt a child from another race or culture feeling that this will enrich family life. They feel prepared to cope with and help their cope with the potential racism that they may encounter. Others may value their privacy as a family and not feel comfortable with a transracial adoption that would likely result in more public attention and possible racism. Whatever option is decided upon, it is recommended that prospective parents connect with others who have pursued this option for ongoing moral support and advice.

People who decide to adopt gradually find that although adoption may have been their "second or third" choice for building their family, it no longer feels like "second best." However, until placement occurs, feelings of ambivalence may remain because of normal anxiety related to the "unknown." (Even people who are about to give birth often feel ambivalent!) Since the belief that adoption is not "second best" may not come until after placement, many people experience the decision as a "leap of faith." Connecting with other adoptive parents who can be encouraging and supportive is therefore extremely beneficial during the "waiting period" between the decision to adopt and actual placement.

ADOPTION EDUCATION
Ambivalence about adopting can also surface in response to many aspects of the adoption process and adoptive family life. The decisions involved in determining which type of adoption to pursue in addition to the home study process, paperwork, costs, time commitment, uncertainty, invasion of privacy, possible foreign travel, etc. can be daunting or overwhelming for people. Stories about people's negative experiences with adoption can be frightening. Therefore it is imperative that prospective adopters learn as much as possible about adoption to dispel myths, misinformation and distorted media presentations. There are many avenues to take to learn about adoption:

• Read books on adoption
• Attend seminars, classes, workshops and agency information meetings
• Connect with adoptive support groups - talk with adoptive parents, adoptees, birth parents
• Consult with adoption specialists
• Surf the Internet for adoption-related websites such as the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse (NAIC) - http://naic.acf.hhs.gov

RECOMMENDED READING:
Adopting After Infertility by Pat Johnston, 1996.
Raising Adopted Children by Lois Melina, 1998.
The Open Adoption Experience by Lois Melina and Sharon Kaplan-Rosia, 1993.
The Family of Adoption by Joyce Pavao, 1998.
Real Parents, Real Children by Holly van Gulden and Lisa Bartels-Rabb, 1993.
Secret Thoughts of An Adoptive Mother by Jana Wolff, 1997.
Adoption Nation: How the Adoption Revolution is Transforming America by Adam Pertman, 2000.

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