If you are the parent of a teenage son or daughter, then you have probably spent a few sleepless nights contemplating the perils of dating. You may have memories of your own dating trials and tribulations, heard countless stories from other parents who thought they would never survive their teenager's dating experiences, or eagerly tuned into talk shows who find this topic worthy of discussion. No matter what the source, uncertainty prevails in the minds of parents.

For all teenagers, the prospect of entering the intricate game of dating can be exciting, intriguing and daunting. For adolescent adoptees, the game may present a different playing field because it can be complicated by one's adoption experience. As their interest in dating heightens, adopted teens may struggle with a myriad of questions:

• What kind of relationship did my birthparents have?
• Did they mean anything to each other?
• Did my birth dad respect my birth mother?
• Was my birth the result of a one-night stand?
• Should I share my adoption story with my boyfriend? What if he thinks I am just like my birth mother? She had sex when she was young. He might expect me to have sex.
• Should I get involved with someone? I've been hurt once before - people always leave me - my birth parents left me.
• I really want to date someone who is Asian like me. How will her family feel once they find out I am not "Asian"? I grew up in a Caucasian family.
• I am not Caucasian but I grew up in a Caucasian family. Will someone Caucasian be interested in dating me if I am interested in him or her?

The core of these questions is intricately to the teens' quest for identity, and the answers help to move them towards developing healthy interpersonal relationships. As parents, it is important to provide guidance to your teenager to help them address the complex issues behind their questions. This may entail sharing aspects of the teen's adoption story, which have not yet been shared for fear of overwhelming or negatively influencing the teen. For example, .too often, adopted teens believe that they must follow the path taken by their birthparents-i.e. - Boys don't stick around long, girls move from one relationship to another, young teens are promiscuous, teens have a lack of self respect. While it is imperative that adolescents know the truth about the circumstances surrounding their birth and placement for adoption, teens must also be empowered to make choices different from those made by their birthparents.

In dating, there is another layer of complexity for many transracially-adopted teens. Adolescence is a time when the teen begins to explore their racial heritage and identity within a particular ethnic group. A teen's ethnicity may impact his/her understanding of and feelings about gender roles, interracial dating, and familial and societal expectations. Ethnic/racial stereotypes may also influence the teen's choices surrounding dating. As the teens' interest in their racial /ethnic connections increase, they may be presented with challenges from their peers and parents. Heather, a bi-racial adoptee, felt like she did not fit in anywhere. The Caucasian boys in her school would not date her, as she appeared to be African American. Being rejected from one ethnic group, she began dating African American boys and met resistance from her parents who presented with prejudice.

This example reflects the challenges inherent in the dating experiences for many transracially- adopted teens. It is critically important that parents examine their own racial attitudes, and open dialogue with their teen about how the teen sees himself/herself, how parents see them and how the outside world sees them. Parents must face the difficult task of affirming their teen's feelings that racism exists and provide their teen with strategies for coping. In addition, parents will need to take a moment to walk in their teen's shoes and give their teen permission to explore their racial identity.

All teens will enter the dating game. Adoption can create challenges along the way, which can be overcome. As parents, let's make sure our teens understand the rules, have strategies to play the "game' and someone to talk to when hearts are broken.

Send A Clear Message: You are still needed!

• Send clear messages that you are open and willing to talk about adoption and dating.
• Remember, as your teenager's understanding of adoption becomes more sophisticated, his/her quest for information becomes stronger.
• Answer your teen's questions honestly and directly. Sharing difficult information is hard, but the truth can be healing.
• Communicate respect for your teen's feelings and affirm their opinions.
• Provide your teen with stories from your personal dating experiences. Share mistakes and identify qualities that lead to healthy relationships.
• Support your teen as they define their ethnic/racial identity.

Debbie B. Riley M.S is the Executive Director of The Center for Adoption Support & Education in Silver Spring Maryland and the author of the newly published book, Beneath the Mask: Understanding Adopted Teens. Please visit the website for order information, www.adoptionsupport.org

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