In a March 12 post on the MomLogic blog, adoptive mom Maggie Vink wrote about the "verbal land mines" that members of adoptive families often have to deal with:

[A man Vink once dated] told me about a coworker of his who had adopted internationally and was now pregnant. Knowing his tendency to say the wrong things, I casually mentioned that I hoped nobody would say things like, "You must be excited to have a baby of your own." ... After all, adopted children are our own, too. ...

Mr. Foot-in-Mouth assured me that nobody he worked with would say anything like that. However, he said that they were all concerned for their pregnant coworker -- concerned because families usually like their natural children more than their adopted children.

Even now, weeks after I first heard it, that sentence still gives me a little bit of a gag reflex. ...

When I was in the process of adopting, my adoption agency talked to me about the offensive things people were likely to say after I adopted. They were right: I've heard it all, from "How much did your son cost?" to "Is it hard to love a child that isn't yours?" I've tried to respond to every one of those verbal land mines with education, not anger. But education isn't foolproof.

Labels: communication

Posted By: Aspen/CRC 0 Comments

Last Sunday, an adoption organization in Virginia - ValleyAdopt - sponsored a celebration honoring the Chinese New Year. The event was attended by families who have adopted, or are adopting, children from outside the United States.

"Part reunion and part support, the event is the largest of several that the group holds each year, chances for parents to get together, share stories and enjoy their children. For the kids, it's also an opportunity to interact with people who look like them - and who don't ask the awkward questions that the outside world sometimes does."

ValleyAdopt was started about seven years ago, as a support to adoptive families. The group now includes nearly 100 members who stay in touch throughout the year via the Internet. Read more at NewsLeader.com.

Labels: international, communication, support

Posted By: Aspen Education Group 0 Comments

Lynn and Robin Arnold didn't know what to expect when they adopted first one, then a second, child from Russia. Their first child, Jacob, came home with them in 2003. The second, Andrea, came home two years later. The Arnolds visited each child twice in their Russian orphanages before bringing them home.

"The Arnolds were told to bring a picture book of themselves and a blanket they've slept with as a way to familiarize the children with their prospective parents. That process worked so well, the Arnolds said, the children were actually excited to go home with them when it came time to depart."

Both Jacob, who's 4, and Andrea, 2, have adjusted well to life in America. Andrea is still learning to communicate, but Jacob speaks English well. The Arnolds call their experience a great one and refer back to their Russian interpreter who didn't call it "adoption" but "rescuing".

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Labels: Russia, communication, preparations

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Cooper, his mother Anne, and his grandmother Mary represent three generation of adoption in a single family. Author and adoption expert Adam Pertman says their story represents what he calls the "adoption revolution".

"Cultural changes, such as the availability of birth control, legalization of abortion and decline in stigma associated with unwed motherhood, have caused a dramatic drop in the number of U.S. infants available for adoption. At the same time, government regulations encouraging permanent placement of children 'languishing' in foster care, the fall of the Berlin Wall and China's one-child policy have opened up adoptions for foreign children and older children in the United States."

One of the most dramatic cultural shifts where adoption is concerned is the openness with which it's now talked about. When Mary was growing up in the 40s and 50s, she knew she was adopted but also knew she shouldn't say anything - to anyone. Today, young Cooper will not only have the freedom to tell people, but can also tell them the name of his birth mother. Read more at DelmarvaNow.com.

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Labels: communication, cultures

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Most people think language is only an issue if a child is adopted from a foreign country. But even domestic children can have a speech delay or a thick accent that makes them hard to understand.

"Children with speech delays can find it very frustrating to try and communicate with others, and especially when they are in a new environment and around people who are not used to their speech, it can be challenging."

Speech delays can be caused by neglect, exposure to drugs or alcohol in utero, or traumatic events. A thick accent (if, for example, the child is from the south) can also make language and communication difficult. Read more at AdoptionBlogs.com.

Labels: communication, trans-racial, foreign_adoption

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Adoptive parent Mark Schneider wrote a tender story for his two children to help introduce to them the concept of adoption in the most loving way possible while avoiding the use of loaded terms. You are invited to read "You Came from My Heart" along with your child, and we thank Mark and his family for allowing us to reprint this story in its entirety. Read more online.

Labels: communication, parents

Posted By: Aspen Education Group 0 Comments

For parents, talking to a child about adoption may be likened to talking with a child about sex: It’s awkward for both parent and child, and both want it over as soon as possible. But children who have been adopted need to feel free to ask questions and express concerns.

“Children often believe that they are being disloyal to the adoptive family when they have feelings and questions about the birth family. As a result, they may avoid conversation about the adoption and the birth family even when they have burdensome questions or troubling feelings. Adoptive parents must look for opportunities to raise the issue [of] adoption, and ask the child for questions.” [Source: Associated Content]

Invite your child to ask questions about his birth family. Find ways to bring it up during casual conversation. If, for example, your adopted child is a gifted musician and music doesn’t run in your family, ask whether he thinks he might have gotten that trait from his birth family. On special occasions, like Mother’s and Father’s Day, ask your child if she’d like to do something special for – or to honor- her birth parents.


 

Labels: communication, parenting advice

Posted By: Stefanie Hamilton 2 Comments

Lauren Marshal never intended to write a book. Her foray into the publishing world was the result of her creative attempt to talk with her youngest daughter about being adopted.

“What started out as a gift for her daughter became a delightful book that her older daughter, Hannah, illustrated and Lauren had published so that other families can use the story as a way to encourage that ongoing dialog.” - Source: Seattle Post Intelligencer

Abby was adopted from China by Lauren and her husband when she was just a year old. Though Lauren and her husband had been open with Abby about her adoption from the beginning, something clicked when Abby was 2 ½, and she suddenly understand what “adoption” meant. That conversation became the catalyst for Lauren’s book, “My Beautiful Bow,” which is now available through Amazon.

Labels: adoptive parents, communication, adopted children, tips

Posted By: Adoption Issues 1 Comment