Communication is critical to successful parent-child relationships. Understanding and empathy help parents to communicate with their children. But, do parents really have a connection when it comes to what it feels like to be adopted? Yes, there are some adoptive parents who themselves were adopted, but most parents cannot put themselves into the shoes of their adopted child.

In a store outside Chicago, filled with Russian gifts and books, the Russian-American owner sadly recounted a story to a new adoptive parent of a child from Russia. ". . . and the dad had his newly adopted five-year-old from Russia with him. She'd only been in America for a few weeks, and since the dad spoke only a little Russian, I thought it would comfort her to hear some Russian. As I asked her questions, the dad kept reprimanding her, 'Don't talk about Russia! That's your past! Forget about those things! You live here now!' I almost cried. The little girl seemed so sad, so forlorn, so grief-filled . . . Why would that dad want his daughter to forget her past? What was wrong with that little girl talking about her friends in Russia?"

While this newly-adoptive father may have been an extreme case of a parent not understanding the connections between an adopted child's past and present, most adoptive parents can only guess what it feels like to be adopted.

A mom, her 12-year-old adopted daughter, and her six-year-old foster child sat at the dining room table. Upon seeing an ad for cigarettes, the foster child said, "My birth daddy used to smoke. He burned me with his cigarettes. I don't ever want to see him! He was mean to me!" The foster mom responded strongly and kindly, "You'll never have to see him again. You're right. He hurt you. A judge has decided that he can't be your daddy anymore. You're safe now." With that, the foster child ran over to the foster mom with a look of confusion and said, ". . . but . . . I miss him . . . " Before the foster mom could think of how to respond, her daughter who had been adopted at age seven said, ". . . and you always will. Even if he was mean to you, you'll always miss him and think about him. I'm the same about my birth mom."

This adoptive/foster mom could not have empathized with the foster child the way the daughter who had been adopted could.

When the 13-year-old boy learned that his birth mom had died, he cried. "I don't even remember her . . . I don't know what she looked like . . . I feel so sad . . . Even though I said I didn't want to meet her . . . now I never can." And he cried and cried. His mom hugged him and rubbed his back and spoke soothing words, but she could only guess what it felt like to be adopted and lose a birth parent.

A child who was adopted, no matter what the age, has a past and a present. To varying degrees, they will all struggle to integrate those pieces into their lives. According to the book, Being Adopted, by David Brodzinsky, " . . . being adopted can be something that colors a person's relationship with her adoptive parents, her emerging sense of self, and the intimate relationships she forges for the rest of her life . . . the issue of being adopted is one that will be returned to, consciously and unconsciously, at various points in an adoptee's growth and development."

Adoptive parents may never fully comprehend the emotions and issues that revolve inside their child or adolescent. Parents should never underestimate, however, the impact that this difference has on their child. At the same time, adoptive parents should find ways to increase their awareness of the topic. Books like Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss, Twenty Things Adopted Kid Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, and Being Adopted, provide insight into having been adopted. Most of all, adoptive parents should acknowledge that they don't fully understand what their child or teen is feeling. But they're there. They're trying. They're accepting.

Adoption Issues - Adoption Information, Resource Center, and Support Services for Adopted Children and Adoptive Parents and Families | Site Map