Talking with children about sex can be one of the most challenging aspects of parenthood. While parents may understand the importance of teaching children about sex, many feel a certain amount of discomfort and lack confidence about when and how to explain the facts of life to their children. This task may generate additional anxiety in adoptive parents because adoption and sexuality are intertwined in complex, emotional ways for both adoptive parents and their children.

DO STORKS DELIVER ADOPTEES?
Some adult adoptees have shared with us the difficulties they faced because their well-meaning, but uncomfortable parents left out information about their birth when sharing their adoption story. Many parents convey the message that life began for their children at the time of the adoption placement ("We got you from the agency," "You came on an airplane from Korea when you were six months old.") If children were placed for adoption after traumatic early experiences, some parents purposely exclude that period of time when discussing their children's beginnings. The result is that conception and birth become confusing and mysterious for adoptees. To avoid this, it is imperative for parents to feel comfortable with the entire story of birth and adoption. We tell children, "Families are formed in two ways - by birth and by birth and adoption."

In Communicating with the Adopted Child, Miriam Komar points out that "parents of adopted children have no choice but to teach them early in life about sexual issues." However, for children who are voluntarily placed for adoption by birth parents, the adoption story may involve aspects of sexuality that are difficult for children to comprehend - unplanned pregnancy (and the option of abortion), pregnancy outside of marriage, teenage pregnancy, multiple sex partners resulting in unknown birthfathers, and rape. Parents often fear talking with their children about these issues out of their desire to protect them. They worry that their child's self-esteem will be compromised and/or their child will "follow in their birth parents' footsteps."

The reality is that children need information and guidance in order to develop self-esteem and positive sexual identities. They need parental support to ensure their health and physical safety, and reduce the chance that they will make undesirable decisions about their own sexuality. Communication is critical. Such discussions include helping adopted children develop empathy for their birth parents and the choices they made. A parent might state, "Your birth mother was a good person who perhaps made a decision about sex without fully thinking of the consequences. Because she was not ready to be a mother, becoming pregnant was a serious problem for her to resolve. She considered all the options, and she made the very painful decision to place you for adoption because she felt that was the best option." Discussions like these provide the opportunity for parents to share their values regarding sexuality and empower children to see that they have the control to make different choices. This is especially important when parents have little or no information available to share with their children about their birth families. Research has demonstrated that in this situation, adoptees may be at greater risk of becoming pregnant in order to understand their birth parents' experience and possibly to choose a different option for their unborn baby - e.g. electing to raise the child. Parents can help to minimize this risk by talking with their children about these issues.

Adoption experts encourage parents to include information about their own story about becoming adoptive parents when they discuss reproduction with their children. For example, parents can tell about wanting a child, planning to become pregnant, and then beginning the process of adoption, while at the same time a woman was growing her baby but wondered whether she could raise him/her. Again, this helps children know that they were born like everyone else and encourages their understanding of reproduction, while it connects their past to their adoptive family. In addition, while most children do not like to imagine their parents as sexual beings, adopted children also sometimes believe that infertility means asexuality. Adoptive parents need to look for appropriate ways to correct this misperception so that their children/adolescents will view them as a resource for information on sexuality as well as role models to identify with. Single parents who are not in relationships must still establish themselves as authorities on sexuality.

Children who were placed for adoption after having been involuntarily removed from their birth families may also face great challenges with regard to sexuality. In addition to issues faced by all adopted children, some must cope with the trauma of having been victims of sexual abuse, or siblings of victims. Parents of these children need extra guidance in this area.

WHAT PARENTS CAN DO

• Familiarize yourself with books about talking with children about sex. (See Resources for suggestions.) Choose some to share with your child.
• Don't wait for children to ask questions. Think about what your child(ren) needs to know and look for "teachable moments." Early teaching allows parents to influence their children's attitudes.
• Be familiar with sex education programs in your children's schools.
• Model talking about feelings.
• Answer questions directly and honestly.
• Send the message that you will discuss sex by initiating conversations about sexuality in its many forms, such as in the media, movies, books (even classics!) ("Here is an article about a well-known actor who apparently fathered a son ten years ago and has not supported the child. What do you think is his responsibility?")
• Ask questions about your child's peer group. "I've read some disturbing news about middle school children engaging in certain sexual practices. Is this happening with your friends or school mates?"
• Point out the challenges of making decisions related to sexuality. ("I wonder how that teen handles being a mother. She must need some good supports." "It must be hard for your school to set boundaries when the styles for girls are so revealing. Where do you think they should draw the line?"
• Model positive attitudes about sexual orientation, diverse standards of beauty, including identifying role models from different racial and ethnic backgrounds.

RESOURCES
TWICE UPON A TIME: Born and Adopted by Eleanor Patterson (ages 4-10)
FLIGHT OF THE STORK by Anne Bernstein
MOMMY DID I GROW IN YOUR TUMMY? By Elaine Gordon (ages 6-12)
IT'S SO AMAZING: A BOOK ABOUT EGGS, SPERM, BIRTH, BABIES, FAMILIES By Robie Harris
SEX AND SENSIBILITY: THE THINKING PARENT'S GUIDE TO TALKING SENSE ABOUT SEX By Deborah Roffman
SAFE KIDS: A Handbook for Parents and Children on Sexual Abuse
ADOPTION AND THE SEXUALLY ABUSED CHILD, Ed. By Joan and Bernard McNamara

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