Making the Holidays Easier for Your Adopted Children

By Leslie Davis

The holidays are a time of family and togetherness. They can also be a time of stress and disappointment. For adopted children, who may experience all of those emotions, the holidays may also be a time of unanswerable questions, a feeling of disconnection and a sense of emptiness.

"The holidays are always harder on adopted kids," said Jeffrey A. Lavallee, LMFT, a clinical program manager at Island View residential treatment center for adolescents in Utah, which offers support for adopted children. "There's always a bit of a disconnect with normal holiday functions, and they experience holidays slightly differently than biological kids."

If you have an adopted child, be aware of how the holidays may be affecting them. They may be wondering where their biological parents are, how they are celebrating the holiday and upset at the fact that they aren't there to celebrate with them.

"Be aware that it can be more difficult for your adopted kid during these times than blood kids, whose [biological] parents are right downstairs," Lavallee said. "They feel a bit of emptiness of the missing people."

These feelings can result in higher rates of depression and substance abuse in adopted children, which can be triggered by the extra stress and sense of disconnection and emptiness that the holidays may bring.

If you are celebrating the holidays with your adopted child, whether it's your first or your fifth, there are some things you can do to make it an easier time for them.

Incorporate Culture

If your family adopted a child of a different ethnicity, there is a good chance that the child's culture and heritage will get lost unless an effort is made to preserve it. During the holidays, this can be done by incorporating your adopted child’s culture into your family’s celebration. That doesn't mean completely changing how you celebrate the holidays, but it does mean making some adjustments so that your adopted child gets a sense of culture and celebration as well.

Recognize Their Traditions

If you adopted your child as a newborn or infant, they will not remember how holidays were celebrated in the past. But if you adopted an older child, ask them what good things they remember about the holidays and try to add those traditions to your own. Keeping some of the traditions from your child's past may help lessen their anxiety about the holidays, and create a sense of comfort and predictability that they may need.

Keep it Simple

With parties, food, family and presents, the holidays can become overwhelming. For an adopted child who may not be familiar with your traditions and your family, it just may be too much and cause unnecessary anxiety.

Keep the holidays simple until your child gets adjusted to their new family. Limit the number of parties you attend, the gifts you exchange and the family you introduce them to. Get a feel for how your child responds to different stimuli before attacking the holidays like you did before you adopted.

Answer Questions Honestly

The holidays are a time of the year when adopted children tend to miss their families, even if they didn't know them. It may also be a time when they ask more questions about where they came from, who their families are and why they were put up for adoption. Do your best to answer the questions honestly, keeping in mind the age of your child. They may not be ready to hear all of details of their situation, so tell only what you think your child would be comfortable hearing.

Communicate

Your child may be feeling a lot of different things during the holidays, and if they are shy or not yet comfortable communicating with you, you may never know what they’re thinking. Don't forget to talk to your adopted child about what the holidays mean to them, what they are thinking about and how they'd like to celebrate. Doing that can result in a more festive holiday celebration for your entire family.

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